Monday, May 14, 2012

~clarity~


This space, for me, is somewhere I'd like to keep things positive.
Share my thoughts, ideas, crafts, discussions, hopes, and such.
But real life doesn't always give us happy and pleasant things to blog about.  And I don't like sharing too much "bad news", so I stayed away.  But I wanted to share this, now, because someday I want to be able to read it back and remind myself of the power to overcome things.  My absense was due to numerous things, but I'll only touch on two below.
The day I decided to take a breather, I was hit with some unexpected news at work. 
Sometimes things aren't always how wonderful they seem.
To sum things up, I was blind-sided.
Taken completely off guard.
I took things personally.
What was wrong with me?
What did I do to deserve this?
How could I have done things differently?
Questions continually flooded my mind and I couldn't wrap my finger on any exact answers.
And then it hit me.
I woke up one morning and realized that it wasn't me after all.
Things happen around us and sometimes we are caught in the middle.
Or pointed a finger at directly.
For no reason at all.
And it hurts.
Bad.
But then we find clarity.
The blame slowly feels as though it has been lifted off my shoulders.
I am not carrying the weight any more.

I love my job.
I strive to do my best with what I know.
I enjoy all the people I help serve.
The people make we want to go to work each day.
I look forward to it.
I couldn't imagine being anywhere else.
I feel like there is a wall up and I will stay guarded.
But it taught me a lot about who I am.
I'm a fighter.
I will not step away from something that I am passionate about.
I will stand up for what I know and believe.
And for realizing this and moving forward, I am greatful.

That same weekend, we got a phone call that made me feel like the world was crashing around us.  Out of respect for the family, I'll only share that a classmate, of my oldest son, took his own life.  Eleven. 

God surely had to be testing me.  Seeing how much I could handle.  How far my strength could go.  Words cannot discribe how hard it was to tell Austin this news.  Again... questions came flooding in.... from him this time.  "Why and how and when and where?"  Mostly the "why".  Although we didn't have all the answers, we tried our best to comfort and support him through this time as much as possible.  My husband, myself, and Austin shared some tears.  Just when I thought I had a break handling other topics (~page 191~), this happens. But, again, I'm glad we were able to be open and discuss this as a family.  
Weeks have passed. Questions have been answered. Life goes on.  

Now when I go to bed each night I am:
~thankful that I have clarity and even more confidence in my work
~hugging my boys just a few seconds longer and tighter... because I can

It feels good to be back!   

8 comments:

Melissa said...

I'm so sorry you've had to go through a tough time. I know it's been said ad nauseam, but that which does not destroy us only makes us stronger...you are one strong lady. Glad to have you back.

Amber said...

Oh Kelly, again I wish I lived close enough to give you a hug. Sometimes this online thing drives me nuts. I'm glad you're back sharing in this space. And I hope you continue to fight and move on and enjoy life. Big digital hug.

Heather aka Proud Mama said...

Oh my goodness, Kelly. What a horrible time you have been having. 11 years old is just a baby. I would have so many questions. I just cannot fathom it. You are a fighter. Hang in there. Hugs to you and yours.

Ashley Spriggs said...

I'm sorry! You never mentioned work!! Just remember that God will never leave us nor forsake us. Hang in there!!

Kim Corrigan-Oliver said...

So sorry for everything you have been through. Eleven years old...wow!

Sending hugs.

Swanski said...

So sorry about work, I use to take things personally and it is through aging that I find it is not always me. I am thinking of you and your son during this difficult time. eleven is oh so young.

Lisa Coffee said...

Sending love and healing thoughts to all involved. Happy to see you back in this space.

~Kelly~ said...

Thank you, ladies, for your kind words. You are such a great support system, whether it be only 5 miles or hundreds of miles between us. I'm glad to be back in this space, too. I've missed you all dearly!!

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